Guest Post: What Haff We Here? — HaffsWay Around The World

Episode III: The Outsourcing Continues

Parental Advisory Pt. 2

Lord of the Drinks: Fellowship of the Clinks (or Two Towers, for that matter)

Above are a few bonus rejected titles for this, another (intensely thorough) visitor's account. This time the guest writer extraordinaire happens to be none other than my father, Terry- acclaimed 'slice of life' enthusiast and impassioned traveler. Below, he details the amazing journey he and Gina (also a world explorer extraordinaire, btw) embarked on here over the course of nearly three weeks. For anyone still planning on a visit to this corner of the world (cough cough hint hint), it reads as an evenly paced travel guide- in spite of its page qualification as an epic. Presented to you mostly unedited, though I have added a comment here and there in brackets [EN = Editor's Note] and selected & captioned accompanying photos. So, without further ado...

Footnote at the beginning (normally a preface, but I don’t know how to do those):

This is all Will and Laura’s fault. Now that I think about it a bit more, it’s Laura’s fault. If Will hadn’t met Laura, none of this would have happened.

2nd Footnote…. Apologies in advance. I have accused Will (and indirectly, Laura) of occasionally being a bit long-winded in their blog posts. If this makes its way onto the blog, it certainly qualifies as being long-winded. I can only say that when I started writing, the words just flowed out, and out and out. New Zealand has a way of doing that to you.

A long, long time ago in a country far, far away……………

Flash forward to Nelson, the northernmost significant city on the South Island of New Zealand. The beam up process from Mpls to Nelson had malfunctioned (late arrival to Sydney, missed connection, running i.e.…sweating, lost luggage, had to re-purchase connecting tickets….) and after 30 some hours, I found myself in need of a shower and a drink. Sip, sip……..long night’s sleep.

Nelson is cool and the people there are very nice. We enjoyed walking around the city center and had a fabulous lunch, al Fresco. That evening, we had a wine tasting with our AirBnB hosts, Karen and Bruce and their daughter (around Casey’s age, she attends “Uni” in Wellington). The wine and conversation were great and we ended up buying 3 bottles from their stock. We met another couple (a bit stand-offish) who were also staying at the B&B who from Canada and were in the fancier room (grrrr). We noticed that they did not get invited to the wine tasting, however. Canadians seem to be pissing everybody off these days… [EN: ?] see the movie Canadian Bacon if you need evidence.

On to Pohara and Abel Tasman Nat’l Park, about an hour away from Nelson. Cool sights and hiking trails abound. Gina had a bit of an issue with the number of switchbacks we encountered on our way there, but true to form, she championed on. When we were checking into the cottage that we had booked there, who do we run into? The damn Canadian couple. I know New Zealand and Canada have small populations, but what are the chances? I’d like to say that that we had mutual interests with this couple and that they were fascinating, but that wasn’t the case (and I’m guessing they thought the same of us). One afternoon, I went to grab a beer at a local watering hole while Gina was napping. As I pulled up to the place, I saw the Canadians' vehicle there (I could tell because it was a tiny puke green rental) and quickly drove away to a different place enjoy my suds. Turns out there were to be other weird coincidences later in trip (non-Canadian related, though). [EN: Sorry, Canadians- you're catching a lot of flack for this one couple. Let's have this be a lesson in 'not everyone from a certain place is great or is terrible'?]

We got rained out on a long hike that we planned to do the next day, but ended up seeing and experiencing some cool things anyway. Dinner on our second night in Pohara was at Ratanoui Lodge. It was one of several highlight meals on our trip, consisting of a 3-course set meal with wine pairings. I’m getting hungry just writing about it. The green lip mussels and on-sight brewed beer earlier that day for lunch at the Mussel Inn were also a “little slice of life”. The northern part of the South Island of NZ is spectacular and I wish we would have had more time there. That being said, the future beckoned and little did we know at that time the many amazing sights, tastes and adventures that would lie ahead.

The next two days were a long ass road trip (LART), slightly less painful than our beam up process from MSP to Nelson. There were, however, consolation prizes:

We had a cool car that we rented from Budget (Holden Commodore Sport Wagon- Aussie built)
Beautiful scenery
Wonderful company & good tunes
Lunch at a restaurant in the middle of nowhere

The west coast of the South Island is stunning (sorry, but this is going to be an overused word). Pancake rocks needs to hire a PR firm though. Nothing about the names pancake or rocks is too inspirational from my perspective, and does not do it justice. My suggestion would be to re-name it to something more marketable, like…. Really Cool Cliffs with Strange Geological Formations and Big Waves Crashing Against them (RCCwSGFaBWCAt). Note to self: use this as a WiFi password….. it will irritate people who ask to use our network, so they might not ask a second time.

Punakaiki OR Pancake Rocks OR RCCwSGFaBWCAt

Hokitika NZ- Overnight stop on Long Ass Road Trip (LART)

Probably one of the stranger evenings, but strange in a good way. Highlights: B&B with quirky owner, fried fish platter (what is that one?), pizza joint w/ hook up couple next to us…him from California, her from Germany, guy next to them that ordered and ate a whole large pizza by himself, a band playing southern rock on the beach…..can you say Sweet Home Alabama in Kiwi?, driftwood sculptures made from only what you can acquire on the beach, a wine bar where you could pour you own drinks (ok, I ordered the first ones at the bar, but conveniently enough there was a liquor store across the street from our discreetly located outdoor table that was able to provide less expensive refills), a spectacular sunset.….it was stunning. Our breakfast the next morning at the quirky B&B, with a Chinese couple (also staying there) who spoke little to no English was interesting. The quirky B&B owner’s joke about not having chopsticks seemed to go over their heads. I thought it was funny, but I think I was the only one.

Southern South Island

The next day began our trip into the most beautiful region of the earth I have ever been to. I have been accused of always thinking the last place I was at is “the best” and am guilty of that to some degree. However, the southern part of the South Island of New Zealand will never leave my memory (at least until I get Alzheimer’s or dementia). It is a “stunning” place. I’ve had the good fortune to travel quite a bit and see some amazing scenery, but southern NZ provided such varied and unique terrain in relatively close proximity to each other that it is hard for me to imagine anyplace more spectacular on earth.

Fox Glacier and Lake Matheson were cool. Don’t miss them if you are on the west coast of NZ, but don’t make a huge effort, if you aren’t close by. Normally, I’d rave about both of them, but Fox Glacier, while being geologically significant, is not much to look at. A collection of rock and dirt embedded in a sheet of ice slowly making its way down a valley filled with 8700 tourists, 7700 who are taking pictures of everything from rocks, to rocks embedded in ice to the men’s bathroom sign. I’ll refrain from making any ethnic comments. Lake Matheson, while incredibly scenic, seemed so pristine and manicured that it seemed like it could be a ride at Disneyworld. It was good stuff, but I began to understand that I didn’t really like being around people (at least ones I don’t know). I especially dislike the people that rent camper vans in NZ and can’t drive worth a sheep’s crap.

The drive from Fox Glacier to Cardrona was impressive, but the devilish sandflies left semi-permanent bites and scars on our legs and ankles during our stops, so I am somewhat remiss to talk too favorably about it. Also, a word of advice to those driving south along the west coast of New Zealand... fill up with gas in Greymouth or Hokitika. Haast has one gas station and it charges $8000 a liter... even the “dumbed down” .7 currency conversion to the USD doesn’t help much… and the damn sandflies bite you while you’re filling up.

The spectacular(ly) Blue Pools in Haast Pass

Cardrona and Surrounds

Cardrona is where Will and Laura (hereafter W&L) have been living since early December 2016. It’s an old NZ gold rush town that has……… wait, I think the only thing in Cardrona is the Cardrona Hotel (which happens to be where W&L work). Gina and I rolled into town and checked into Waiorou Homestead B&B (more about it later), then went on to the Cardrona Hotel for dinner with W&L. It was great to see the homies after 6 months. [EN: There's a first time for everything, including Papa Haff's reference to us as 'homies']. I’m not sure what I had for dinner that night, but I’m guessing it might have been lamb. I had lamb like 87 times while I was in NZ (not complaining, though). We stayed at Waiorou for 4 nights and it was the best stay of our trip. Blythe and Ann are great hosts and their place is incredibly beautiful. We felt as if we were staying with family or friends as opposed to staying at a B&B.

Residents/Employees of Cardrona's de facto town centre

Our highlights in and around Cardrona:

Will and Laura
Blythe and Ann
The Cardrona Hotel
Grilled dinner at W&L’s new place (including a mean avocado salad whipped up by chef W)
Biking along Lake Wanaka
Rippon Winery…….may not have Napa/ Sonoma quality wines, but kicks their butt on scenery.
Hanging out in Wanaka and meeting people from all walks of life
- John, who allowed us to sit at his picnic table because there was no room at the inn. After we got talking to him, we found out that knew Will from a beer fest they met at.
- Will arrived later and realized we had independently buddied up with his beer drinking friend….a lil’ slice o’ life.
- Toby, who works with W&L (he’s my favorite bartender at the Cardrona Hotel). Toby, I hope you find happiness one day.
- Gal who met John (above) in NZ joined us at our table, but it turns out they both worked in the same small town in Alaska in the summer (Alaska summer). We saw them heading up the trail to Rob Roy Glacier together the next day as we were (mercifully) heading down. There may be more to that story than we know.

Rob Roy Glacier in Mount Aspiring National Park…….. or the day my wife, son and his fiancée tried to kill me.
- My heart grew three sizes that day…. and nearly exploded
- You’re mean ones… Will & Gina. You’re nasty, wasty skunks
- The three best words that best describe them, are as follows, and I quote" Stink!, Stank!, Stunk!
- No wait, Stink!, Stank!, Stunk! was me after the hike
- It rained (steady drizzle) for most of our hike, but somehow, I was the only one all wet. I came to realize that I was wasn’t wet from the drizzle, but from the sweat that was profusely pouring out of me while they were trying to kill me on the trail.
- While this a well-worn trail by NZ standards, I still count myself lucky as being one of the relatively few people in the world that has experienced this “stunning” hike.

Happily done with the death-defying climb up to the glacier

Tasting Beers at Wanaka Beer Works
- Will’s workplace on a part-time basis
- Really good beer
- Toy museum that co-exists with the brewpub seemed a little weird
- Meat pies were surprisingly good
- The same people that tried to kill me the day before thought it would be a good idea to go climb a mountain near Wanaka after beers and pies. I nearly died again and ended up with a sun burn. I need to find new traveling mates.
- Good gelato after the hike at least
- Hanging out at Waiorou Homestead sipping wine and whiskey and talking some trash afterward

Impromptu Wanaka Beerworks Brewery tour courtesy of Brewmaster Boulton

Mt. Iron, or Attempt to kill Terry with mild climb, round 2

Onward and Southward- The Fiordlands

We departed early from Cardrona in two vehicles to get to Manipouri and NZ Fiordlands for our Doubtful Sound cruise. Heading south from Cardrona for the first time, Gina and I saw amazing and varied landscapes. Will and Laura had done the drive numerous times before. We let them lead out.

Highlights of the Doubtful Sound Cruise (and the drive leading to it)

Approach to Doubtful Sound (after quite the journey)

Having Gina turn only light shades of green from going over the Crown Range switchbacks. Thank God for Bonine (Dramamine)
Views of Queenstown and the Remarkables Mtn. range during sunrise
Watching Laura try to drive fast enough so that old man Haff didn’t haff to pass her and Will (which eventually happened)
Passing slow camper van drivers……. grrrr
Crossing Lake Manipouri (It is a large inland lake you have to cross to get to the buses that take you to Doubtful Sound)
The bus ride over Wilmot pass
Maybe the best picnic lunch ever…..aboard the Doubtful Sound cruise ship.
- Cheese
- Sausage
- Rice Crackers
- Champagne
- Cider
- Airline peanuts (smuggled in-you can’t bring food into NZ…. oops)
- Great companionship
- [EN: Also, very Irish coffee. How could you forget the whiskey?!]
Incredibly beautiful day. One of the seven best days of the NZ summer according to ship’s captain.
Most beautiful scenery I’ve ever experienced

Where Doubtful Sound meets the Tasman Sea

Boat 1 of 2 en route to Doubtful Sound, prior to mountain pass bus ride. Structures pertaining to the innovative hydroelectric power dam connecting and regulating water flow between Lake Manapouri and the Sounds

Could we have asked for a better day? Doubtful.

Doubtful Sound map view (courtesy of traveler lifesaving app Mapsme)

That night, we stayed at Manapouri Lake Motor Inn, which W&L had worked at briefly in November. Beer was cold, food was good and the people that worked there knew our mates from their previous stay and treated us well…….with the exception of letting me punch $5 NZD worth of songs the jukebox and then making me wait for the 8-10 dreary Led Zeppelin songs in front of it to hear my selections. After inquiring at the bar about the delay, it turns out that the jukebox was broke and the music was actually coming from the bartender’s crappy playlist. We did get a $5 credit on our meal, at least. [EN: I contemplated trimming off the 'jukeboxgate' tale, but it wouldn't be Dad's story without this exact type of anecdote. And if you've made it this far I may as well leave the rest intact]. The jukebox notwithstanding, it was a great evening; lamb again, good beer, fantastic sunset….and a sort of a surreal twilight show. As we are sitting at this outdoor table, overlooking beautiful Lake Manapouri, a helicopter flies by with something dangling from a net below it. I’ll be damned, I’ve seen this before. Gina and I had watched movies and documentaries made in NZ before we left on our trip. One of the documentaries showed film footage of NZ Ranger Ricks (look it up, young ones) capturing the non-native red deer via helicopter from the NZ Fiordlands and transporting them somewhere. Half a pitcher later, the same helicopter flew back by us in the other direction, this time, nothing below it. Ten minutes and another half a pitcher goes by and the damn helicopter/UFO flies by with a dangling participle (with antlers) below it. Seems strange writing about it, but it all seemed perfectly normal at the time…

Speaking of normal… a big shout out goes to my dad Norman, who passed away this past December. While I don’t think many of us think that we had a “normal” upbringing, because it imparts perfection, I do think that I had a pretty incredible upbringing that taught me to appreciate people and experiences like the one that I am writing about. More importantly, they taught me how to be a good father and husband. I can’t think of a greater gift to pass on to future generations. Thanks Mom & Dad. [EN: Amen]

The next day W&L left for Cardrona as their work schedules beckoned. Gina and I headed toward Milford sound, enjoying the spectacular scenery (and weather) along the way. We stopped for several hikes and were thoroughly impressed with the varied and beautiful scenery. We feel very blessed to have had such great conditions while we were in the Fiordlands.

Queenstown and Surrounds

After the Fiordlands, we headed for Queenstown (QT) and a more urban experience, at least as “urban” as you can get on NZ’s South Island (sorry Christchurch, we didn’t stop there). We stayed at another quirky B&B that night (Marilyn Monroe bedsheets…) and had a nice dinner in downtown Queenstown, about 10 minutes from where we were staying. Our B&B host, originally from Germany (nobody in QT is from QT), stopped by our table to talk to us after seeing us at the outdoor table as she was walking by after picking her daughter up. Things like that just happen in New Zealand. An amazing ice cream sundae and beautiful harbor views rounded out the evening.

The next day (only 4 more to go for those getting bored), we drove to Glenorchy and Paradise. Several scenes from Lord of the Rings were filmed in this area and it was nice getting away from all the people in QT. We took our trusty vehicle through several fords (stream/ river crossings) before eventually turning back (I hope nobody from Budget Rent-a-car is reading this). Talk about off the grid! Glad I didn’t have a heart attack or choke on piece of meat while were out there. I would have to have been airlifted out, like the damn deer.

We returned back to QT that afternoon and after a brief stroll through their Saturday market we had lunch at a W&L recommended place, Atlas Beer Café. The food and beer sampler trays were good and the view out over the wharf and the associated people watching were even better. I thought it was kind of odd though that Will would recommend someplace called “Beer Café”. I guess he must have started drinking beer since he has been in NZ.

From QT, it was on to Gibbston, which was our last stay on the South Island. Gibbston is located in a wine region, with beautiful mountains and a rapidly flowing, stunning aqua blue river running through it. Our cottage overlooked Pinot Noir vines and we easily adjusted to the slower paced, reduced driving style. Over the next few days we hit several wineries and had a nightly soak in the outdoor hot tub. The tub was made of stainless steel, used fresh water (no chlorine or the likes) and was non-jetted. It was very tranquil (which, I usually interrupted by playing music). Another plus is that they are able to re-use the hot tub water to irrigate the grape vines, since it has no added chemicals. If, in the future, you ever taste a 2017 Central Otago Pinot Noir and it has musty, barnyard-ish or sweaty sort of aroma, just think of me sitting in the hot tub water that eventually irrigated the vines.

Playing Petanque (What us Americans know as Bocce Ball) among the vines at Kinross.

Laura and Will joined us at the Kinross Cottages on our second to last day/night there. We had a wonderful lunch at Wild Earth Winery and Restaurant, where they cook the food in converted wine barrels fitted with gas burners. It’s kind of like a Memphis Wood Fired Grill, but much cooler. The head chef was from the Czech Republic and he stopped by our table and spoke some Czech with Will. I think they were saying something bad about me, but I couldn’t understand it. Laura ordered a late harvest Riesling that tasted like Old Orchard apple juice concentrate. She liked it though. I guess it’s nice to know that there’s some sweetness in that relationship [EN: sick burn!]. Dinner consisted of our best grocery store purchases; lamb burgers and fillet mignon. Will and I mastered a funky grill to serve up some tasty morsels to go along with our local vineyard wines. I don’t remember what the side dishes were, but who cares….. it’s all about the meat and the wine.

Gina’s and my last full day on the South Island was spent mostly in Arrowtown, which is an old gold mining town that has been nicely preserved and has an abundance of gift shops, restaurants and bars. To me, it would be a good alternative to staying in Queenstown and it has the advantage of being only 15-20 minutes away from it. Arrowtown also has some nice trails easily accessible from the center of town. The lunch we had at Mantra (Indian restaurant) was excellent and hit the spot after a good hike.

On our last night at Kinross, we once again hit the hot tub. I stayed in a bit longer than Gina to enjoy the last of our time there. Walking back to our cottage, I encountered a gentleman who was about 10-15 years older than me (freakin old) bringing a pint back to his cottage. As we talked, I found out that he was an author from the UK and had written 4 books in a thriller/ adventure series. Upon returning to our cottage, I told Gina about the encounter and proceeded to look up a couple of the titles he mentioned on Amazon. I was thinking it might be fun to download one of them to my Kindle to read during the upcoming flights home. After spending a fair amount of time trying to find the titles with no success came to the conclusion that he was a fake author.

Our last morning the South Island, we drove back to Cardrona to deliver excess food, beer and wine to W&L and to pick up a bag that they wanted taken back to the US. We had a nice breakfast at the Cardrona Hotel and then said our goodbyes (3 or 4 times). From here, it gets kind of weird. As we were boarding our flight, a NZ customs official, asked us to follow him to a dimly lit room at the end of a long hallway. Once inside, he opened the bag that W&L had given us earlier that day and asked what we were doing with 2 pounds of heroin, 6 live Kiwi birds and a life size poster of Donald Trump in our luggage. Eventually, I confessed to lying about answering “yes” to the question “did you pack your own bags?” and they let us go with a stern warning (They did take the heroin and Kiwi birds, but left us with the poster). I certainly learned my lesson and will never try to bring a bag packed by Will or Laura onto a plane again.

The rest is too uneventful to talk about except for the 3 young women (about W&L’s age) that we met in an Auckland restaurant, the night before we flew home. I asked them where they were from, because I sensed they were Americans. They were from Texas, Pennsylvania and somewhere else, but they all worked at a lodge just outside of Yosemite Nat’l Park and were also flying home the next day after being in NZ for 3 weeks. As we talked about our favorite experiences in NZ, we realized that we were all the same Go Orange cruise in Doubtful Sound. There were only 42 people on the cruise (I deliberately chose a smaller one so I know the number), so how we didn’t see/recognize them over the course of 7½ hours I’m not sure, but we confirmed that is was the same date…. Feb 23rd. Weird.

Another weird recurring theme was the number of people I met from North Dakota when we were in NZ. I met 4 of them, (5 if you include the one woman twice….) and with all of them, they were the ones who brought it up. Who knew No Dak was so fashionable these days that people would randomly bring it up in conversation when they’re in NZ. I’ve always tried to suppress being from there. I guess it proves what my kids have been trying to tell me for a long time…..I’m not very hip.

One of the weirder ND connections occurred when I was wine tasting while Gina was hiking (I’m the smart one, albeit the less healthy one). A couple in their late 50s, early 60s was next to me and after some small talk the woman informed me that she was from ND. I told them briefly about our trip and how we loved Cardrona, where our son and daughter in-law (to be lived). I have to confess that I wasn’t enjoying the conversation that they (mostly she) initiated, however. She was insisting that I try the Riesling, which I don’t particularly like (although it is better than Old Harvest apple juice concentrate). After they left I finished my tasting in peace. Before I could leave though, they came back to where I was and the woman asked if I tried the Riesling. I wanted to lie, but I couldn’t (look what happened in the airport). She just shook her head, smiled and turned away…..

At breakfast on our last day, the one at the Cardrona Hotel with W&L, we’re enjoying our meal when a couple starts to approach our table. They are looking directly at us and continue towards us. Who the hell is it? Luckily, I had nicked some free coffee from the breakfast bar (it’s supposed to only be for guests staying at the Cardrona Hotel, but Toby-my favorite bartender at Cardrona- said I could have some). Suddenly, the caffeine kicked in, I remembered them and introduced the Riesling-pusher I had met a few days before and her man friend to my motley crew and pretended like we were long lost friends. We said goodbye and departed for the airport.

Things like that just happen in New Zealand.